If you are a part of technology world then you know how it feels like. An endless problem-solving that can mentally exhausting and challenging. That is why Saturdays mean unwinding and recharging for me - to plant in my garden, soak up in nature, get lost in a good book, or prepare a light-hearted article for my readers they can enjoy reading with leisurely Sunday brunch. I really cherish these breaks as they are my escape from endless problem-solving mode and feel connected to myself.
The Importance of Mental Recharging
Yesterday I was listening to some soulful songs, singing and dancing on the beats. Dancing helps in lifting your spirit, making you feel rooted in your body and also helps burn some calories. Eventually I got tired, so I poured myself a steaming aromatic coffee, sat in my balcony garden, and let the soothing green ambiance work its magic on me.
After a while, the coffee started to pull all the right strings in my mind, and as I gazed into the distance, my thoughts drifted back to an article I wanted to finish. I needed to pick up where I left off in my previous piece, where I offered a glimpse into my life and the experiences that led me to explore and research issues around sexuality. This article is a second part of that - it's the second experience that further pushed exploring modern sexuality issues. However, for that I need to revisit an extremely difficult chapter — long story that better be forgotten.
Some experiences, no matter how much we try to forget them, stay at the edges of our minds, like shadows. Accepting this brings me some comfort, but even now, it's not easy for me to open up about it. My past attempts to share were often unpleasant, but this time I am not fearful as I am better equipped to handle anything. I hope that sharing this might help others grappling with struggles.
My Journey of Trust, Betrayal, and Personal Growth
I always wanted a life away from the chaos and drama. But that wasn't meant to be. I met a guy who changed everything. The Goa trip I mentioned in my last article? This guy was part of it. He seemed like a shy, introverted person, while I was the complete opposite. We hardly spoke throughout the trip, but everyone stayed connected on social media after trip. People would share travel plans to let people know where they are going next, in case someone wants to join them. This guy frequently joined my common group travel plans and over time, our friendship grew. Eventually, he proposed marriage.
He made me feel like I had found my soulmate. At this moment I had no clue what feels like "let death do us part" situation is going to change into most painful chapter of my life. Slowey, the sweet guy started to show bitter side. When I tried confronting and solve the issues, he would shut down, become defensive or show horrifying aggression. In just three months my world was shattered in ways I hadn’t anticipated. He broke up the most dramatic way possible without much explanation, leaving me heartbroken and confused.
Recognizing Covert Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships
The situation didn’t end with the breakup. He reappeared a year and a half later, when I was already moved on. He texted me on WhatsApp with a desperate message; he wanted an opportunity to speak and apologize. His urgency sparked curiosity, so I decided to call him. On the phone, his voice was shaky, and he was struggling to breathe, like something terrible had happened. I asked him what was going on, and what he told me shook me to the core. It was the first time I learned that he had been involved in drugs. I started questioning everything. Did I even know this person? Was I really about to marry someone with a completely different personality? Still when he asked to meet, I could not refuse.
Our meeting was intense. he broke down in tears, repeatedly apologizing for what he had done. He seemed genuinely remorseful, pouring his heart out in a way I hadn’t seen before. I also open up and said the things which I kept in my heart for so long. As time went on, we both were done expressing ourselves and now we were comforting each other's. We decided to move past the pain and hurt. He suggested to step out and have dinner together. I agreed too.
From Confusion to Clarity
We went to a small restaurant, the change in atmosphere seemed to
ease him. Dinner conversation took a turn, and he finally revealed the real
reason to break up with me. He confessed that after he ended our relationship,
he went into a sexual relationship with a man from showbiz industry. Sadly,
that man treated him poorly and then he came to realization how good I was with
him and that made him come back to me. Messed up, right? He made it seem
like everything was my fault when he broke up with me. But now, he was
confessing that he had been sexually involved with men. He also admitted that
during a trip to Thailand, he had been with women there as well. And if that
wasn’t enough, he revealed that whenever he went silent for 3-4 days, it was
because he had men over at his apartment.
In other words, he had cheated on me while intentionally
distancing himself. It was a shocking confession, and although my head was
spinning, I somehow managed to stay calm. He went on to explain that he had
chosen me because he believed I could handle his situation, since I had always
been open about discussing sexuality, given my previous experiences. His
biggest mistake, however, was not being honest with me while we were together,
despite my repeated efforts to understand what was wrong. Instead, he twisted
things to make it seem like everything was my fault.
Some might argue that at least he was honest eventually, but that doesn’t excuse the hurt and confusion he caused. His lack of transparency inflicted unnecessary trauma. If he had been honest from the beginning, things could have been different. It might have spared me a lot of pain—maybe even saved our friendship.
Recognizing Covert Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships
When I began reflecting on everything, setting my emotions
aside and researching psychology, I came to the realization that what I had
gone through was covert narcissistic abuse. He manipulated, controlled,
cheated, and lied to me. Even after all of this, whenever I started to do
better in my life, he would pop back into it, again and again. I stayed in
touch, and he continued sharing messed-up stories from his childhood, still
trying to use my empathy and provoke an emotional reaction. The more this happened,
the more convinced I became that I needed to cut ties with him for good.
There’s so much more to this story that I can’t fully put
into words, but this messed-up chapter of my life pushed me deeper into
understanding the complexities of modern-day sexuality. It also led me to study
psychology, narcissism, and cluster B personality disorders. What began as
confusion and pain eventually brought me relief and clarity.
This journey has also empowered me to support others who may
be facing similar challenges. In my counseling sessions, many clients share
their own unusual and difficult experiences, and I’m considering writing about
these stories in future posts. By sharing them, I hope to offer support,
understanding, and a sense of solidarity to those who are grappling with their
own struggles.
Sometimes, confronting our past is the first step toward
finding peace and moving forward.
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